True Story (LONG!)

[angevin@juno.com (Joseph P Benedetto)]

>Why not I need a laugh.
>Ian

Not sure if this is directed at me, but here goes: my nomination for the
"Stupidest Team Ever" award.  
Qualifications: experienced players with a wealth of other RPG
experience, including Traveller, AD&D and other systems.
Scene: Mountain Lair game con at WVU several years ago.
Adventure: I was running my own Desert Search module.

The players split up into three elements: the V-150 TOW w/4 people, and
two 2-man XR311 jeeps.  
You know the plot: team loses contact with MP Group Leader, see smoke in
nearby town, go there, get dying words, chase bad guys, fight them, chase
them some more to ghost town, discover hidden MP base while freeing
slaves.

Well...

When the team lost contact with their Group leader they went towards
town, saw the smoke, and stopped dead in their tracks.  Figuring it was
trouble, they abandoned their fellow Morrows to their fate and took
refuge in some nearby rocks and hid themselves several clicks from town,
"waiting for the smoke to stop."  

After an hour of game time the TL in the V-150 decides to send the two
jeeps out on their own to circle the town and take a look see.  Both
players independently guess this means staying several kilometers away
from the action, and hide their vehicles on the south and east sides of
the flatland behind rocks, sit down, and wait for something to happen.  

The V-150 TOW sets up a base camp behind the rocks out here on the flats,
waiting for word from the jeeps about what is going on.  Despite having
the most heavily armed and armored vehicle, they elect to stay here and
let the unarmored jeeps go into harm's way.

The Gunner on Jeep One keeps telling the PD he's drinking "a canteen of
water an hour", which he says with a know-it-all smirk, "so you won't get
ME falling from heat exhaustion!"  When I point out he only took 2
canteens of water and that both are now empty, he grins, tells me he's
taking out his MP Desert Survival Manual, and is going out into the
desert to look for water.  The Driver says he isn't going to be left
behind, and they both head out to find water in the desert...abandoning
their vehicle, radios and other gear and equipment so they can haul a
shovel down into likely sandholes and search for water.  Mind you, they
do not bother to radio ANYBODY to tell them that they are doing this....

The Driver on Jeep Two gets bored and lays out to get a tan (he ends up
with severe burns a bit later....).  The gunner, a college freshmen with
a gun fetish, notices buzzards circling the town.  Rather than
investigate this, or even call it in, he gets out the M21 sniper rifle he
stole from the V-150 and starts shooting at the buzzards with it.  Since
he is using the silencer, no one at the other jeep or the V-150 hears the
shots....

TL, not hearing anything from either jeep fro a while, somehow decides
this means something is up, and (despite knowing his Group leader and
fellow MP team is down there in that burning town) elects to stay put
until nightfall rather than "break radio silence" to the jeeps.  Despite
PD hints he does not bother to post a lookout or send anyone into town,
since he "knows what he is doing."

10 HOURS in game time pass; the smoke is still rising from the burning
buildings.  The sun is beginning to get low in the sky.  The TL contacts
the Jeeps to find out what is happening; they say "Nothing."  TL decides
to send one jeep into town.  Team goes in, reaches outskirts, sees smoke,
immediately decides they are in over their heads and hightails it out of
town.

Second jeep comes in from different direction.  Sees wreck of V-150,
starts to run for it also rather than check on fallen comrades.  PD (in
order to get game going SOMEWHERE) says they spot figure lying in middle
of the road.  Jeep gunner hoses figure with MG fire without asking if
figure is wearing MP coveralls or not.  When informed that target is a
wounded Morrow, they run up, see he is dying, and with hearty smirk that
says he knows what's coming, Gunner leans over to catch his dying words
of warning.  

PD, fed up with all this, grabs player by the shirt and gets in his face:
"YOU WEREN'T EVEN 10 MILES AWAY!!!!    IT'S BEEN ELEVEN F*CKING HOURS!
WHAT THE HELL KEPT YO---" and then does death scene, without ever
revealing vital info.  

Players panic.  PD points out that maybe they should have come in to look
for their missing fellows a LOT sooner....

Players rush around, finally head north by going west through canyon to
dry wadi SE of TN-7, spot vehicles near TN-6; go to ground, decide what
to do.  Call in Jeeps.  TL finds out Gunner on Jeep Two has been sniping
at buzzards, gets pissed off with him, details him to drive up to top of
hill north of TN-6 and "keep watch".   Send Jeep One back south to
approach from east on Route 375 out of Spencer.  Parks V-150 behind
boulders and hides.

TL now spends 15 minutes of real time laying out an attack based on "the
obvious" rather than reality, or anything he actually knows, let alone
anything gleaned from recon of the Syen at TN-6.  This plan is so
detailed it makes a plot from Mission Impossible look like a child's
game.

Buzzard-sniping gunner on Jeep Two is atop hill, watching TN-6.  He does
not bother to report anything.  Player looks down length of table at
other gamers involved in The Plan and tries to get their attention to
explain he's bored, what is HE supposed to do in this big plan?  Other
gamers tell him to shut up, they're busy.  After another five minutes of
this he sulks and picks up dice.  "Screw this.  The first thing that
moves down there I'm going to shoot."

No one but the PD notices him say this.  PD waits for others to say
something, but they ignore him.  "You see movement," the PD tells the
player in question. 
"I shoot it!" he declares.

Pd raps table to get gamers' attention.  "Mel--oh, Mel.  Bang.  Bang. 
Bang."
"What?"
"Gunfire.  Some distance off.  From that hill up there, maybe.  Directed
at the bad guys."
"What...?"  (he looks around the table)  "ANTHONY!" he screams at the top
of his lungs, fixing on the Gunner in Jeep Two who is rolling the dice. 
{As we are in a crowded auditorium, this draws attention from a dozen
tables, and no less than three players leave *their* games to see what is
going on over here at *my* table.]

Bad guys, now alerted to presence of jeep on hilltop, assault it with
mortar fire.  Resultant gas cloud blinds driver, who in fleeing blind
swerves into rock, wrecking jeep and knocking both occupants out with
nasty injuries from crash.

Angry gamers talk about lynching Anthony after game.  All hell breaks
lose and they all scram,ble for the dice.  The Big Plan is tossed aside.

Jeep One (the Smirker) heads north, runs into retreating Syen rear guard
...and stops.  Calls for backup as pickup truck disappears in a cloud of
dust.  Jeep again rushes forward into dust cloud, then stops dead, waits
for dust to clear, races ahead into retreating dust cloud, stops, waits
for it to disappear, races ahead into retreating dust cloud, comes to a
halt, waits for it to disappear...

PD begins beating his head against the table.

Jeep surges ahead again and then stops inside dust cloud, and PD points
out that pickup truck has cannon mounted on rear end, and hints that if
the jeep went around through the desert instead of following the road,
they could get ahead of the truck and out of range of the cannon. 
"You're not gonna trick me into getting killed!" the gunner shouts.  "Ram
them!"  Jeep one rushes up road into dust cloud, comes up to rear bumper
of pickup, takes cannon ball square in the XR311's nose plate.  Driver
fumbles Drive MPV roll and vehicle cartwheels, killing Gunner and pinning
a badly bleeding Driver in the tubular wreckage.

Team now had taken 50% casualties....

V-150 rushes in to attack.  Fires off one TOW missile...ahead of them,
"across their bow", to stop them.  Syen/SLaver convoy doesn't stop. 
Players start to reload TOW launcher, and get shot at as they stand in
the open.  Slavers and Syen at rear of column tuirn and rush the vehicle;
TL (a guy playing a woman) <??> and his XO wife (A woman playing a guy
<?!?!?> try to reload faster, XO gets hit and falls.  TL turns towards
bad guys and makes motion of whipping open resistweve coveralls to--and I
quote--"flash some tit at them."  Gets shot repeatedly in bared chest as
sadistic Syen blast away with rifles, handguns and the like, enjoying
every moment of it.

TL stares dumbfounded at me.  "What man would shoot a woman's tits?" he
cries in disgust.  Apparently he has been expecting to fight boy scouts,
rather then the scum of the earth....

Team has taken 75% casualties, lost two jeeps, ther Team Leader and the
XO.  Only driver and RTO remain unhurt (and conscious).  Driver opts for
"Run Away, Run Away!" school of action, RTO agrees, they hustle off into
the sunset and only escape the shelling and rifle fire of the Syen and
Slavers because the V-150 can zoom off at twice the best speed the bad
guys' vehicles can make going cross-country....

So.  Can anyone top THAT for dumb?

Joe
angevin@juno.com